Clarity.

This is a two part post: The next part is scheduled to be posted tomorrow.

I want to start off by saying that I voluntarily see my psych doc weekly because I need a lot of accountability regarding my medication. It is a personal choice and in no way does it reflect my dedication to my mental health. I also have a therapist that I see biweekly. I am in no way manic and this is not a manic episode and it is not religious mania. I have been on a spiritual exploration for a few years now.

I always said that I was an atheist, and then I realized what an atheist is and I am not that. Then I said I was agnostic. I told people that I am too selfish to sit and learn about a particular faith to claim one. People really respected that and I meant it, but I wasn’t agnostic. I believed in a God, I just didn’t know which one. I prayed to a God. My God. It didn’t matter. I knew that I had no true control in my life. I wasn’t an accident. The world is bigger than me.

Then I started finding myself longing to be like a lot of people who emulate Jesus. I wanted something to be passionate about and to continue learning about. I wanted a higher power that I could name and a way to get to know Him. I turned to the Bible. Turns out it is literally thousands of pages. Where would I start? Would I understand it? Will it capture my attention or overwhelm me and I quit?

I tried a few bible studies and I completed maybe 3 of them. I tried and quit several. I really wanted a starting point, a place to get a foundation for the rest of my learning. I joined a small group so I could dive into the Bible and its meaning with an intimate group. It was amazing, and then I felt called out about being the only single person in the room. I didn’t go back. Then I started googling “what the Bible had to say about….” and reading from there.

I was having a really tough time with my sister. We were going back and forth about everything it seemed. Who is cleaning more, who is chipping in more, you name it. It was causing a huge rift. we smoothed it over but I still feel this tension in the air. Like she is waiting for the shoe to drop. It is familiar because that is how I felt when I had to move back in with them. It is strange to be on the other side and needing to forgive. This is the first time it occurred to me to turn to the Bible first. So I googled, “the Bible and forgiveness” and “biblical stories about forgiveness”. It returned wonderful scripture. I then wrote some of it down. Once I reviewed what I had found, I picked out some of my favorites. I noticed a lot of them were from the book of Matthew. I found myself emerged in this story that finally told me the ins and outs of how Jesus came to be. It has all kinda tumbled from there. I think I pick up my bible at least every other day now. I still am not completely independent. I still reach for the internet for a starting point, but I still read from there. I just feel better. I feel like I am in love with learning and also seeking comfort and guidance. It really calms me. I started to wonder if maybe that calm can be obtained through meditation and manifestation. I believe in manifestation. Maybe it is the positivity that it exudes or the feeling of influence it provides. Either way it feels like I accomplished something.

So I started looking into meditation and homeopathic ways of treatments or guidance.

(continued in next post)

7 Replies to “Clarity.”

  1. The Bible may appear quite daunting to many people who come to faith. One of the classic recommendations a person may share with a new believer is to read the Gospel of John. I am not much on actual Bible Studies per say (I have about 30 some years of in-depth studies of the Bible, Christian History, Doctrine, and Religious Philosophy).

    I have some really good devotionals you may be interested in exploring. Two of the main ones are accessible online:

    1) My Utmost for His Highest – Oswald Chambers
    2) Our Daily Bread

    I also have several on my shelf:

    1) Max Lucado’s Grace for the Moment
    2) Gordon B. Hinckley’s – Stand a Little Taller (Mormon scripture, insights, and teachings)
    3) 365 Days a Year – A Daily Walk through Proverbs for Men
    4) 365 Daily Devotions and Prayers for Men

    As for a good measure – I have Charles Stanley’s Life Principles Daily Bible which has you read the Bible in a year with his own insights and commentaries on daily life applications and principles.

    However, if you have not hopped on over to my blog – I post daily bible devotions as well, inspiring faith based articles from an LDS (Mormon) and Christian Perspective. All of these are more toward living a mindful and spiritual life.

    At the end of the day, it comes down to personal preference and what inspires and works for you in order to grow spiritually mature.

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    1. This is really awesome information and resources. I have been reading some great devotionals lately and they have been a great place for inspired reading. Thank you.

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      1. You are welcome. Devotionals are really good to get some brief insights and understandings. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in the article.

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  2. I noticed you “realized what an atheist is” but left me hanging. What do you think an atheist is? TIA.

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    1. This was in reference to when I was much younger. I believed and always have, that there is a higher power. To identify as atheist would be to deny that.

      Liked by 1 person

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