Vulnerability. When we think about being vulnerable in the now, at this moment, it can be a scary thing. When you open up about what is going on in your life, you want nothing but the good vibes to be shared while you are hiding the pain. In this mental illness life, or just in life, we can’t afford to hide, and I have been doing that a lot lately from this blog. So I am going to be vulnerable to you, my readers. I have been in pain, mentally, and emotionally. That’s okay. Depression. Yes, it has been my friend and confidant lately. That is okay.
I have wanted to reach out to you, but I worried about what people will think. I’ve come so far. Things are good in my life. How can I be struggling? It is the fear of having something to lose that stopped me. When you have nothing to lose by sharing your life in a place such as this blog, then you gain so much. Writing is my center. It is what makes me who I am today and will be in the future. I am allowed, you are allowed, and we are allowed to feel the pain that comes with emotions. That means you are doing something about your feelings when you feel the feels. There is nothing wrong with opening up in a blog post, to a friend, or even as my life coach would say to a stranger that something is wrong. I was so afraid of the stigma that I again became a part of the problem in my fight against the mental illness stigma.
I felt so lost. That is okay because I can find my way out. If you feel the same way I did about being vulnerable, know that holding that pain in, it just festers to a point where you can feel stressed, depressed, and for me, there was a moment where I thought of suicide. My thoughts became, “but The Bipolar Writer, who advocates against suicide, had a suicidal thought.” That is okay because I am only human, so are you. I was able to take those emotions and flip them deciding to allow them space. I detached (more about detachment in a later post). These feelings and emotions might be a part of me, but I can say with honesty that allowing them to be can be freeing. Feel the feels, because we are allowed to feel this way. I lost that at some point, and now I am saying no more.
By allowing vulnerability in our lives, we shed the masks and the identities that come with this idea in society that we should always be happy about life. There is always someone else that has it worse, right? While that may be true, it does not make my pain or yours any less important. Being vulnerable, how I was when I first began this blog, was how I could use writing as my tool to fight. This past week I have doubted myself, felt sorry for myself, felt a level of self-loathing that was amazing, felt like giving up my dreams, and so much anger at what life was throwing at me. As if the universe owed me something for my past pain. I caught myself saying, why me? I felt a selfish twinge at every little slight. Do you know where that got me? Caught in a web of more pain that only made me more depressed at the end of each day.
Something my life coach told me makes sense, and I want to impart it to you. If you are feeling these feelings towards someone, it means that you are feeling the same thing. There comes the point in anger, resentment, and even fear when you have to point the finger at someone else because its easier to blame everyone else for what is going wrong in your life. I have done that a lot recently. You can also point it back at yourself and see your reflection. You are feeling the anger, frustration, and triggers you are putting on someone else. No one deserves that to happen to them.
I got caught up in the idea that someone in my position can’t be vulnerable. That is crap because vulnerability can mean real change can happen. I am always growing, and it has been through life coach that this has been possible to be vulnerable again. If you are looking to invest in yourself, please reach out to firstname.lastname@example.org and ask for Kim. Tell her I sent you or not. It matters not because if your feeling like its time for a change, she is the life coach for you.
I will be more open and writing here daily again like it once was for this blog. Lead by example, but also, it is healing to be vulnerable. I will share what is going on in my life. Even when things are going good or bad, it is also going on in other peoples lives. I share because I would rather feel the vulnerability than to feel like giving up. That was the old James. I have said goodbye to many identities (read Eckhart Tolle to better understand this), and I still have a few more. Stay strong in the fight.
Always Keep Fighting
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