Fine

So I read today, while sitting in the chiropractors office, that

“Studies show optimists live longer than pessimists”

And of course my first thought is not, “Yeah, what a great thing … I’m livin’ forever!” No, my first thought is “Crap, they get to live a better life than me, and get to live longer.”

It’s plain to me that I may be more the latter than the former. And I just was told my life according to their study is quickly coming to an end. Man, my life sucks. And its like I want to be part of this seemingly secret society optimist that has the answers, has health, wealth, and this unforsaken gratitude instead of a tormenting critic that goes inside my head… my thoughts of course circle and cycle and go a million different directions so fast that half of them are unheard and ungrasped. Some of them are I wonder… if I can think, dredge up, force, fake this optimism and be happier than I am, can I live have just a few more moments? Is there a book I can read, a new habit to pick up, a new pill to take, or just an inevitable truth that I need to optimistically reframe. Or is that too hard and I’m too ill-fated, and I might as well give up. And…and…and…the twirl and whirl, and cyclone in my head.

And so when the chiropractor finally walks in the room, unbeknownst to him of the torment that the simple quote on his wall this week has invoked…he asks me, “How are you doing?”

And I say, “Fine.”

4 Replies to “Fine”

  1. What a great post. For people with anxiety like me who have intrusive thoughts things like this happen all the time. Often, what we create in our mind is far worse than reality. Does that make me a pessimist? Yeah probably. Great post!

    Liked by 2 people

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