I felt the feels a lot lately and I have resist moving on from the guilt, pain, and really the feelings that come from letting go. I have been one foot in with grieving and the other out, trying to cling to an idea that letting go of all those things would mean forgetting my mother. My life coach always asks me what is the worse that can happen? I have been half-assing it because I know it could, which “could” is vital here, send me over the edge. That edge, of course, is suicide. I know deep down that I would never forget her, but to let her go or not is a choice to make, but not as a means to an end.
In October, I learned that the truth is suicide is not so black and white as it has been conditioned in my head. There are no right or wrong answers in any situation, which is what suicide really is, the situations in my life. Black and write thinking gets us nowhere. I am tired of it in my own life, and now if I could practice what I preach! I have sought for most of the last thirteen years since my diagnosis for the answers. What if there were no answers to find? what if it was always in me, my responsibility to work on myself.? When I think about it too much, I am up in my head, which gets me nowhere in this life but the ego makes you feel like the worst version of yourself. Sometimes you have to follow your heart.
I have been stuck in the overthinking world I have been trying to resist, but resistance can be also be unhelpful. Not knowing the answers to all of life’s questions is something that, no not knowing any of the answers, is different. It is even scary to not think every moment of your life. Why do we have to answer these questions?
Why must we always be trying to figure out the next move instead of staying in the now? We can get so lost, and I know many of you feel the same, and I am going, to be honest, I do it all the time. My need to control every second from the moment my eyes open is something I am working on all the time. There are moments in now where nothing matters. No plans, no trying to control my day for the sake of being in control. That word honestly makes me feel like cringing because control never got me anywhere.
This might be a change from the normal writing pyou are used to when it comes to this blog, but change happens in the moment. Many of us are stuck right now, in these moments in life. Where things are just about feeling your way through this life. Letting things come though to from the universe.
There is something about living in the grey area of life, that place between right and wrong. There are no problems, only situations, as my life coach always has told me. The ego loves it when you allow it to control you. When you begin to let go of identities like being a writer of books, you have the opportunity to put things into action and piss off the ego. The last example I will give for this blog post is something that happened to me recently. I was “talking” about starting The Bipolar Writer podcast. I got all the equipment, but in my head, I was “planning” the next move–for months. It got me nowhere, but when I took action within life coaching, I began the steps of what will become an idea that will grow like this blog.
There is this character in a show I like named Lapis. One of her narrative threads is that she decides to let go of the anger that she had when she was trapped in a mirror for thousands of years, and even when Lapis felt real power, she knew it got her nowhere because of her anger, and she let go. I have a lot of anger towards myself about not letting go of the pain and the guilt that I could have done more when my mom passed away. That guilt consumed me to the point where I once again became lost in it, and suicide was the way out. Again, no right or wrong in what happened with the suicide plan as I have moved on and detached, but instead, we need to acknowledge at the very least that things can fester and becomes a part of us that we feel needs control. Then we lose it. Let us find that grey area in this life.
Mental illness is a community of people who are the most amazing people I have known for a few years now. People reach out to this blog, and they write about their experiences. We don’t always want to say that we are stuck, but I am here to say you don’t have to because it is okay to know why you are stuck. I haven’t been able to say, “I miss my mom…” without reason. Why do you have to have a reason? Why do I?
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Always Keep Fighting
James Edgar Skye